Almost every single night for the past week or so has involved me falling asleep to the unsettling yet hypnotic ways of the Tiger King himself, Joe Exotic. With each viewing comes a new discovery. While I’ve watched the entire docu-series from start to finish, I clearly wasn’t paying attention – blame the excessive amount of distracting leopard print garments. Life is starting to feel like it’s on loop.
There is nothing quite like being in a waiting space. You can’t really tell whether you’re coming or going. You just find yourself buoying.
I am constantly trying to find the silver lining to this confusing, shocking, saddening period and all the uncertainty that comes with it. The biggest thing that keeps popping into my head is the concept of surrendering.
I am not much of a swimmer but I’ve grown quite fond of the seaside. I love looking out at the ocean. I am always searching for the paper thin line that separates sky and sea; trying to look yonder and spot some ships. I imagine their trajectory and purpose. I imagine the pacifying stillness of the ocean and its propensity to suddenly roar. I think of its duality. More than this, I think of how inescapable its might is. You look at the ocean and you’re immediately reminded of how minuscule you are in the greater scheme of things. It humbles me every single time and I am extremely grateful for that.
As someone who constantly wants to control the outcome of things, to say I’m unnerved is an understatement. Creating is usually cathartic for me but it feels a little different now. In the spirit of getting busy, I was so stoked to try out a local 21-day art challenge but found myself still contemplating it on day 5, having missed days 1-4 because truth is, I wouldn’t even know where to start; especially with all the clutter in my head.
I keep stumbling upon posts that emphasise that it’s okay to not be inspired, to not be okay, to not contemplate your next move or even move at all. It’s okay to just be still, in the discomfort, in the uncertainty… The more I read them, the more I surrender.
So if there’s anything I hope to gain from this time, apart from an unwavering spirit of gratitude and mindfulness, it’s to embrace stillness as a move in and of itself.
THE BEFITTING ROOM 